Friday, September 19, 2014

Death...

I've been wondering how I would do this post.  

What I would say or even HOW I would say it, but I realized there isn't an easy way to ease it into conversation.  It's more of a headline than filler facts in a paragraph...

My Dad is Dead

There.  It's out there now.  

I worried about creating this entry because once I began to write, the very fact would just seem...more?  

Real?  

My father and I didn't have the talk-to-you-everyday kind of relationship, and I live in an entirely different state.  So the fact that he isn't there anymore, I think hasn't registered on any scale for me just yet.  My brain knows that he is gone, but it sort of short circuits after that I guess?  Perhaps I'm looking for something specific to stand out as proof?  

A sort of clarity over the situation, or maybe its more accurate to say acceptance, in a way.  

I thought helping to clean out some of his things or picking out a couple sentimental items that I remembered growing up to keep with me would do the trick.  

Nope.  Still just...drifting

What I can't afford to do, is become complacent.  I sort of "woke up" today and realized our house is a mess, I haven't touched things in my studio for a while and I actually have obligations to follow through on this weekend (not to mention for the rest of, like, forever - I'm quickly realizing I'm a busy bitch).

My engine stalled for a moment, but I am up and running again.  

Focus on the facts that lay ahead:

I'm going to have sad times just like anyone else who has lost a parent or someone close to them.  What I won't do is romanticize my father because he has passed.  He was a normal person who struggled through some difficulties in life, but also had great qualities that are definitely worth reflecting on.  

The key is to allow myself that sad moment briefly, but move forward with a good memory in your heart.  

And in my case, probably an inappropriate or disrespectful joke because apparently my default grief setting is irreverence... (Thanks Mo for pointing that one out)

So I say this to my friends and family, because honestly, this entry was just as much for me getting this out as it was a reassurance to you -

I'm not locked in a room rocking in a corner.
  (^^If that happens, its going to be for VERY different reasons, trust me)

I haven't stopped eating.
  (^^Those cheeseburgers are definitely going straight to my ass)

And I promise I'm not a glass house about to break.
  (^^More like a BRICK house, actually...)

I love you all.  



XO

ANF


PS - My family and I also appreciate your cards of sympathy and condolences.

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