Friday, September 19, 2014

Death...

I've been wondering how I would do this post.  

What I would say or even HOW I would say it, but I realized there isn't an easy way to ease it into conversation.  It's more of a headline than filler facts in a paragraph...

My Dad is Dead

There.  It's out there now.  

I worried about creating this entry because once I began to write, the very fact would just seem...more?  

Real?  

My father and I didn't have the talk-to-you-everyday kind of relationship, and I live in an entirely different state.  So the fact that he isn't there anymore, I think hasn't registered on any scale for me just yet.  My brain knows that he is gone, but it sort of short circuits after that I guess?  Perhaps I'm looking for something specific to stand out as proof?  

A sort of clarity over the situation, or maybe its more accurate to say acceptance, in a way.  

I thought helping to clean out some of his things or picking out a couple sentimental items that I remembered growing up to keep with me would do the trick.  

Nope.  Still just...drifting

What I can't afford to do, is become complacent.  I sort of "woke up" today and realized our house is a mess, I haven't touched things in my studio for a while and I actually have obligations to follow through on this weekend (not to mention for the rest of, like, forever - I'm quickly realizing I'm a busy bitch).

My engine stalled for a moment, but I am up and running again.  

Focus on the facts that lay ahead:

I'm going to have sad times just like anyone else who has lost a parent or someone close to them.  What I won't do is romanticize my father because he has passed.  He was a normal person who struggled through some difficulties in life, but also had great qualities that are definitely worth reflecting on.  

The key is to allow myself that sad moment briefly, but move forward with a good memory in your heart.  

And in my case, probably an inappropriate or disrespectful joke because apparently my default grief setting is irreverence... (Thanks Mo for pointing that one out)

So I say this to my friends and family, because honestly, this entry was just as much for me getting this out as it was a reassurance to you -

I'm not locked in a room rocking in a corner.
  (^^If that happens, its going to be for VERY different reasons, trust me)

I haven't stopped eating.
  (^^Those cheeseburgers are definitely going straight to my ass)

And I promise I'm not a glass house about to break.
  (^^More like a BRICK house, actually...)

I love you all.  



XO

ANF


PS - My family and I also appreciate your cards of sympathy and condolences.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

August...

As I am reluctantly shoved into the month of September, I can't help but look ahead at how crazy busy it's going to be.  I'm pretty sure 3 out of 4 (if not all) weekends are packed with obligations.  

Makes me long for my lazy August again, though looking back I'm almost positive I was just as busy?  Funny how once its over, trying to remember exactly what you did is difficult.  I think my brain is like:

"What?  You want to remember month old shit?  Nope.  Here, have these unicorn pictures instead."

And that was a MONTH ago...don't even ask about what I did in January. I probably should look into doing some memory exercises or something...

I do, however, remember that I joined my first ATC swap through Craftster for the month which was tons of fun.  I wanted to share the cards that I completed for the swap:


I've already showed you the first card that I made which was based on a Calligraphy theme. 


The second card I did was for combo themes of Fish and Artist Choice.  This illustration was broken up into 4 individual cards to make a set.


Here, I created a Mario Brothers card for a Nintendo Video Games theme.


The last card I made was one that really pushed the envelope of ATC-making for me, I think.  The theme was 4 elements.  My first consideration for the card was to make 1 card with just 1 of the elements, but I couldn't really leave out the other 3.  Instead I actually made a folded brochure type of ATC.  The above is the cover and here is the inside:




It was really a great first experience, and hopefully I will have some time later to attempt a more involved type of craft swap.

We will see how it goes...


XO

ANF

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Despondency...

...Ever get that feeling sometimes?  

I like to believe that most people do.  

Maybe the feeling comes with riding the coattails of business for an extended period of time...  Like, despite how exhausting being busy is, you immediately miss that sense of purpose once its all said and done.

Or perhaps the feeling arrives when you realize all the Cheetos are gone in the house.  <-- Tragedy.

Don't judge me. 

Either way, its sort of a sucky feeling, but not necessarily an unwelcome one in small doses.  

I welcome the feeling right now.

I like to think that my whole person is "recharging" after striding headlong into whatever shenanigans I previously got myself into.  [My Labor Day Weekend]

The trick is to not let the feeling over take you for too long; that is where you get into some trouble.  I would describe it this way:

You are stuck in your sweat pants and old ratty T-shirt on your couch with junk food bags sort of littered around you.  There's probably soda cans interspersed throughout the debris, or an empty ice cream carton (probably both).  There might be video games or a series marathon involved somewhere...   

Trust me when I say that snapping out of this trance is horrifying.  Especially if someone stumbles upon you in that state.  

NOT pretty.  

My advice?

Let it take you for a small amount of time then force yourself out of it like I'm doing right now.  

drink a cup of coffee, make a list of shit you have to do and get to it.  The day isn't going to stop just so you can wallow and there are probably only a few days of nothing before your busy ass is in the thick of it again.  Plus you don't want to gain like 10 lbs by eating crap because you have to fit into that dress on Saturday. 

Suck.  It.  Up.  

That was my pep talk to myself.  

Sometimes you just gotta be cruel to be fair....

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.  I'm going, I'm going...


XO

ANF